Its Only Beginning.

     This is where I am going to be completely honest, no holding back, no letting my pride rule how I act, simply me trying to work through the things in this world that hold me back from total surrender to the One True God. I don't care if anyone reads it, I don't care if you do read it and judge me, I'm just using this as an accountability tool and a place to focus. 


    Here comes the honesty...
    Okay I'm totally scared to write this, mostly because of my pride, but I'm sick of trying to fight it on my own only to end up failing. 
    Here it is... really.
    I've tried to say it before, but I can't admit it. Even when I swallow my pride and admit it to someone or even myself, I fall back thinking "its not that bad" or "I can handle this". When really, those thoughts should signal an alarm loud and clear in my head that I can't do this on my own, and trying to do so will only lead me further down the road of sin, the complete opposite way I want to go. 
   Alright, I'm committing to honesty, no matter the costs. Even though I know I will probably be the only one seeing this, just the thought that the thing that I'm ashamed of is out in the open scares me. But even if it makes me a sitting duck, I'm letting go and choosing to surrender all of who I am, my sins, my failures, my regrets, and most importantly my pride. 
   So...
   Ever since I can remember I have been uncomfortable with my body. Most of my family is on the slimmer side and even though it was probably all in my head, I've felt looked down on because of that extra stuff hanging on me. It made me sad, so I ate. I was bored, so I ate. I wanted comfort, so I ate. My struggle with food has been a nagging little pest that has followed me for as long as I can remember and though sometimes it might get smaller, its still there. I'm sick of letting this earthly desire have a hold on me and letting "my god be my stomach". I believe with all that I am that God is the One True God and He deserves all my attention, but I want my actions to follow my belief. When I choose to find more comfort in food then find my perfect peace in The God of the Universe, then my actions aren't lining up with my belief. 
  Taking action. 
  When I've tried to fast before it has always been about me. About the feeling of accomplishment I will get, or trying to lose weight, or proving something to myself. When really fasting should be all about God, about surrendering myself and totally getting myself out of the way for God to do His work in me. Beginning a fast with those selfish motives won't get me anywhere or they will push me further back. What I've learned in the past couple days is that fasting is done with a spiritual purpose in mind, not a personal purpose in mind. I'm ready to draw closer to God and push my self and my earthly desires out of the way in order for God to reign in me as the One True God I believe Him to be. My friend mentioned a little while ago a type of fast called the Daniel Fast. Its based on the way Daniel fasted which is represented in chapter 10 of the book of Daniel. It's kind of a vegan diet but with more restrictions. I know that even though I heard about it a while ago, this is the time I'm meant to do this. The fast lasts for 21 days and I'm going to use this blog as a journal through it as an accountability tool, but also just a way to focus on what I am doing and how I am doing along the way. My prayer and purpose in this fast is to be rid of this nagging pest and to rely on God as my only peace and comfort. So here it goes.
  Tomorrow begins day one.